Let's talk about it...

Let's talk about it...

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

There she goes MIA again! The past few weeks have been HECTIC to say the least. This post is going to be real personal and honestly, I don't know where it's going but I plan to just let my mind wander and take the lead.

My anxiety has been through the roof the past couple of weeks. I have been dealing with anxiety for years. When I first experienced it, I didn't really think it was anxiety I simply thought it was stress. The time I knew it was anxiety was when I couldn't shake off the feeling in the pit of my stomach. What does it feel like (to/for me)? You feel alone. You feel nervous and scared. Sometimes you get a sense of an impending doom, and you don't know why. More often than not, you don't know the cause of your anxiety. This is especially hard for me, I like to have control over my life. This in turn causes more anxiety. It's hard for me to let go of control sometimes. Although I know that life isn't always going to work out in my favour. I always have to remind myself, let go and let God. Just when you think life is going according to plan, here comes some unexpected changes and challenges and this is beyond your control. You think you kicked your anxiety to the curb, here it is again welcoming you with open arms. Most of the time, the anxiety usually goes away after some time once I allow my body to truly relax, usually I just sleep it off. Lately after a series of unfortunate events, my anxiety has continued to linger, and this is when it gets tricky. I have to start over, deal with whats in front of me, work with it and move forward.

Someone asked me, "Why do you say you're okay when you're not?" - this really stuck to me. Why is that? Here's why: Im the type of person that never really shows their true emotion when going through a rough time. I never want to be a bother to people, I never want to bother people with my problems. I never want to be the "downer." I always associated myself in the role of the helper. I always turned it around and put the focus onto someone else. I always had a smile on my face (sometimes to cover the hurt). I guess I got this from my maternal grandfather, he was always so happy. He was always the light of the room. I don't have a single memory of that man without a smile on his face, or him laughing. I always wanted to be like him. I always want to be the rock for those around me. Even rocks of the group need someone to be theirs. I was told I don't know how to ask for help. Could it be that? I'm still not sure. I only truly open up to a handful of people; I keep my circle tight and to all of you thank you for keeping me sane. My main confidant would be my boyfriend, and I am truly blessed that he is not only that but he is also my best friend. I am able to be my truest self with him. I am making a more conscious effort to be honest with myself and to those who check in on me. When I'm about to say I'm okay." I ask myself, "are you really?" And you know what, it's okay to not be okay.

How do I deal with, or manage my anxieties? Honestly, I haven't been doing a good job in the last couple of weeks. But I have to say this last week has been good in terms of my anxiety and managing it. Self care is really important. I have been doing some mindful breathing exercises and while I do this I put my headphones on to really tune everything out and I have my diffuser on to help create a positive and healing space. I started journaling. It's a good secondary outlet for me and my feelings and so far it helps with my overthinking. I have also been improving on my sleep hygiene, this is really key for me in terms of healing. I usually don't get a lot of sleep at night and I found that when I'm physically exhausted it affects my mental health, more than it used to. I remove myself from people and situations that isn't good for me, mentally and physically. I have been spending a lot of QT with Julius because he truly is good for my heart and my soul. Count your blessings when you find someone who is truly good for and helps with your inner peace. I am committed to my inner peace and growth.

This was a hard blog post to write, my mind really went off on this one. It's a scary feeling for me to get this open and vulnerable but you know what, I did it and I will be okay! I'm going to end this blog post with some last thoughts:

I am usually considered as the "strong one." People don't usually check in on you because it's always assumed that you will be okay. Don't forget to check in on the strong ones, they're usually the ones suffering in silence.

I have anxiety. My anxiety does not rule or define me. I am strong and I will always get through whatever life throws at me. I may need help from time to time but in the end I am, and will always be good.